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As fantasy baseball guru Michael Jackson once sang, take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change. Any astute keeper leaguer should realize there are only a handful of contenders heading into auction, and chances are you’re not one of them. Here’s a clue: if I hand Ray Charles your league’s rosters and he spots Your League’s Yankees (YLY), then you should be able to do the same. You know, because Ray’s blind ... and dead.
It’s lovely that Tim Lincecum’s yours for $20, but does that make you YLY? Well, if Boss Steinbrenner Jr. has a $15 Joe Mauer, a $10 Ryan Braun, a $5 Wandy Rodriguez, and buck Tommy Hanson, you are not YLY. So, look in the mirror and stop chasing unicorns. At best all you’ll find is a pony with an elephant tusk stapled to his forehead. Reality tells us that you've got as good a chance at catching all that pre-auction value as Giant Panda Pablo Sandoval does of needing just one plate at Sizzler. You need to listen to reality. She's a bitch.
But certainly you’re not chasing unicorns. You’ve read all the magazines. You’ve done all the research. You’re God’s gift to fantasy sports. Hate to break it to you, but we all think we’re the next Ron Shandler and that Super Sleepers X, Y and Z will help us overcome any pre-auction deficit. But (A) sleepers don’t exist because you can't sleep while every fantasy rag is screaming your name and (B) there’s a good chance God couldn’t chase down $60 of pre-auction value. And that dude’s got a pretty solid game.
Don’t be a victim of a selfish kind of love. No, not little-boy-in-the-bedroom kind of love -- sorry, Michael, we gave you four months of free passes -- but rather those delusions of grandeur that have you thinking you can chase down YLY. But if you’re not playing to win, what are you playing fantasy sports for? There’s a reason the word "keeper" comes before "league." So be honest, be harsh and be a Marlin as you play to win next year.
Billy Marlin and his Band of Cheap-Ass All-Stars will never be able to sign CC or Texiera. But Florida management knows that cycling through craptacular veterans like Mark DeRosa and Aubrey Huff is like fixing a flat tire with a stick of Bubblicious, two hair pins and a pocket knife. Sadly for Giants fans, Brian Sabean is not MacGyver, which is why Barry Bonds never hoisted the Commissioner’s Trophy over his overstuffed melon.
Instead of struggling for the right to "compete" and lose in the playoffs, Florida simply Blows Shit Up (BSU *TM Jerry Krause). The Marlins trade veterans for elite young talent (read: cheap) and play Pirate baseball for a year or two. Once the youth movement is ready, Florida comes out of "nowhere" to win a World Series. Then they simply rinse, wash and repeat. The strategy’s paid off to the tune of two World Series titles in the past 13 years, more than any squad not located in New York or Boston.
With this series of BSU columns, I’ll be looking at the ultimate rebuild plan. For less than the cost of a 1987 Topps Danny Tartabull rookie card (read: free), I’ll show you how to tank 2010 from the get-go, chase cheap tail and come back next season as the Yankees of Your League with a better than 50/ 50 chance of winning it all.
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